Several weeks ago, my husband asked me if I’d ever been squashed by anyone. Put down, minimized or otherwise trivialized. I responded, “I’m guessing I have, but I can’t think of any specific instance.”
Well, I’ll be darned if last week the universe didn’t hand me an opportunity to have 5’1″ cut off my height and leave me feeling about 1″ tall.
The sad part is, the other person didn’t intend to squash me. I think she was actually trying to be helpful.
We were having an introductory phone call so I could learn more about her company’s services. I was looking for basic information about their structure, how they worked with clients, and the financial arrangements.
I thought it’d take about 30 minutes, tops.
Instead, I received 60 minutes of unsolicited feedback and advice about my business, including what needed to be fixed and what “successful” people do.
I finally gathered up the nerve to shut it down, but only after having a mini-meltdown.
It was uncomfortable, to say the least.
So when I saw my husband that evening and told him about the call, he said, “Remember when I asked you about feeling squashed? Well, sounds like that’s what you experienced.”
Huh. I think he had a point!
He also invited me to think about why I didn’t cut off the conversation as soon as I started to feel like I couldn’t breathe anymore.
(Oh, how lucky I feel to be married to one so wise!)
And that’s what got me thinking about the lesson I was taking away from the encounter.
Here’s what I discerned:
Trust what my heart and mind are telling me about how I feel about someone, and show respect for those feelings by taking action.
If I’d done that, I would have spoken up the moment my throat started to tighten and my mind shouted, “Hey, wait a minute, this isn’t what I wanted to talk about!” Instead, all of the uninvited advice being hurled at me, much of which played to my insecurities, left me in shock.
So while she was talking (I can’t say I was listening at that point), my mind kept flipping back and forth: is this pushing my buttons because I can’t handle feedback, or is it because it’s just flat-out inappropriate and has nothing to do with me?
Of course, my insecure monkey mind won out and bit its tongue.
Speaking up early in the call would have saved me at least 45 minutes of stress (and the stress hangover that followed through the weekend). As it is, I’m never getting that time back, but by learning from the experience, I am getting my self-respect back.
Part of the learning process is noticing how my introvert nature contributes to my relationship choices.
Introverts and independence go hand-in-hand. It doesn’t mean that other people aren’t important to us or that we don’t play well with others; we simply are very deliberate and even cautious about who we invite into our inner world. We see it simply: people in, energy out. We can absolutely love and adore people, and they can still exhaust us. That’s why we tend to have intimate circles of friends.
I’ve noticed that while I’m protective of my energy when it comes to personal relationships, I’m almost more protective when it comes to who I bring into my entrepreneurial life. I have a Swiss Army knife mentality, which sometimes resists asking for assistance, even when I feel like I’m drowning.
A conversation with a professional singer and self-professed introvert reminded me of why we will sometimes do anything to find a solution other than ask another person for help.
Vulnerability.
She and I agreed that whenever we bring someone else into our psyche and make the internal external, we are acutely aware of our vulnerability.
This makes it all the more important to have clarity about who you want to work with, and to whom and what you’re going to say “yes” or “no.”
Sometimes a potential client or partner seems to fit when it comes to achieving a similar goal… yet, there’s not that “click” you feel when you’re connected with your ideal partner. Often, you know that someone isn’t a match because of a feeling you have in your core. You might notice anxiety, as I did in the call I described above. Or perhaps you find yourself exhausted after every encounter, and it’s not a “good” tired, but an “I can’t wait to be alone” tired.
In order for us to be vulnerable, we need to feel safe. We need to feel like we’re being held whole, capable and resourceful. A safe space means there’s no judgment, no assumptions, no “here’s how it’s going to work.” It’s a space for equals, where mutual respect rules.
Vulnerability in a relationship (personal or professional) can be the key to its success or to its demise. How do you know which it’s going to be? You probably can’t know 100%, but you can sharpen your awareness by noticing:
- Do I feel safe?
- Can I be myself?
- Do I feel respected?
- Do I feel trusted?
- Do I feel energized?
- Do I sense the other person feels the same about me?
Your criteria may vary. For instance, one additional question for me is “Can we be ‘alone, together’?” Are we comfortable just hanging out and working without having to talk? Another is “Do we share similar values?”
I ended up letting that service provider know I was going in a different direction, even though she kindly offered to connect me to a more energetically-aligned associate of hers. I’m going to go local first, where I can look someone in the eye and get a sense of how well we’d work together.
And next time something like that phone call happens, I’m going to speak up much, much sooner.
Your energy is one of your most valuable assets of your business (and your life!). Choose to connect with people who lift you up. It doesn’t matter if someone is the guru of them all, beloved far and wide – if you don’t feel that “click,” if you don’t feel safe, let them go.
As Wayne Dyer so beautifully says, “If you meet someone whose soul is not aligned with yours, send them love and move along.“*
Please share: How do you know when someone’s a good partner for you? How do you handle it when it’s clear there’s a disconnect or misalignment?
6/11/13 PS:
A few of you have asked about what to say when relationships or conversations derail…
If it’s not in the heat of the moment, but an ongoing issue, I think it’s reasonable to ask for a conversation, such as a “check-in” or “process check.” Then we can say, “Something doesn’t feel quite right here to me. We’re not getting the results/I’m not comfortable with/There seems to be a disconnect…”
In the moment is more challenging. My colleague Rachel reminded me of a term, “flooding.” She shared on Facebook that flooding is “a term coined by Dr. John Gottman. When adrenalin and cortisol flood the nervous system, we feel the ‘fight or flight’ response. Our ‘lizard’ brain is activated and has incomplete information. Our prefrontal cortex (place where we can process and make complex, rational decisions) usually is getting info much slower and having a hard time functioning amidst the nervous system flood.”
In those cases, it’s helpful to have a few phrases ready to help interrupt the flood. For instance:
“I’d like to call a time-out for a moment…”
“Can we slow down here? I need a moment to process…”
“I’m a bit confused/concerned/curious about where this conversation is headed…”
“I need to jump in here and tell you what I’m experiencing…”
It’s important to remove any hint of blame or judgment from the conversation (which may not be easy if one or both people are feeling emotional). It’s not about assigning blame for the misalignment, but getting it out in the open, checking to see if it’s something that can be fixed, and if not, deciding how best to part ways. “It’s not a good fit” is both an honest and gentle way to disentangle yourself.
* Image is a scanned card from Wayne Dyer’s “Inner Peace Cards“
Wow. This was like looking in a mirror! Thank you for stating this experience so succinctly.
@Maureen You’re very welcome! Thanks for reading and commenting, Maureen 🙂
This was very helpful. Thank you.
SO good!
Brannon. great question. In an ideal world, we’d discuss expectations, roles, values, etc, before we enter into partnerships. Sometimes, though, we can do that and still experience a disconnect.
In that case, I think it’s reasonable to ask for a conversation, such as a “check-in” or “process check.” Then we can say, “Something doesn’t feel quite right here to me. We’re not getting the results/I’m not comfortable with/There seems to be a disconnect…”
It’s important to remove any hint of blame or judgment from the conversation (which may not be easy if one or both people are feeling emotional). It’s not about assigning blame for the misalignment, but getting it out in the open, checking to see if it’s something that can be fixed, and if not, deciding how best to part ways. “It’s not a good fit” is both an honest and gentle way to disentangle yourself.
How do you handle it?
True
True for this extrovert, too. I ask myself those same questions: “am I just trying to get away because I’m being defensive, etc?”
I’m learning a similar lesson — that the feedback has to come from the right people, and I’ll never feel pushed or uncomfortable about even the most challenging information if the person delivering it is the Right fit for me.
In other words, I can 100% trust my senses. If I feel uncomfortable, the reason doesn’t matter. I have the right to shut things down.
Woohoo! Well said, Rachel 🙂 That’s exactly it – I can take feedback, advice, criticism, whatever, IF it’s safe, IF I’ve given or been asked permission, IF I trust and respect you and your motives.
@The Introvert Entrepreneur
…IF…
This would go far to explain why I have som much trouble taking criticism from many managers in my past.
VickiB Definitely! It’s a huge problem when managers/leaders have no idea how to create safety and trust. Thanks for adding that insight.
The challenge has been that in the moment, of course, I’m flooded and can’t fully process. Having a rule that I can use in the situation (“I can 100% percent trust my senses and if I feel uncomfortable in any way, I have the right to stop this.”) means that I don’t have to logically and calmly *know* the truth. All I have to track is how I feel. Process will come later, and so far, it’s always validated my feelings.
Flooded – that’s a perfect description. Thank you.
That’s a term coined by Dr. John Gottman. When adrenalin and cortisol flood the nervous system, we feel the ‘fight or flight’ response. Our ‘lizard’ brain is activated and has incomplete information. Our prefrontal cortex (place where we can process and make complex, rational decisions) usually is getting info much slower and having a hard time functioning amidst the nervous system flood.
I respond the same way Brandon. Cut once, cut deep. Once that moment of realisation occurs, and I know deep inside that it cannot be salvaged, I walk away completely too. Not bitterly. Just resolutely.
I loved this article Beth. It is so incredibly life affirming to be in this space with others who see life this way and are supporting and empowering each other in it. So glad I found you all!
Great post. Right up my alley.
@kari Thanks for reading, Kari – glad it resonated with you!
Well stated indeed! Now I just need to do it when the person minimizing me is …. ME!
@Diane Ah, excellent point, Diane. Sometimes (oftentimes?), the diminishing forces at work come to life from the inside out.
Excellent article. I’ve done and experienced the same. We must trust our initial instinct and not continue to take crap! Shut them down.
@Kim Kafton Thanks, Kim! Yes, trusting ourselves is IT. That extends to trusting ourselves that whenever we are in these situations, we can handle whatever happens. 🙂
PS: LOVE your logo! I can tell instantly, without even reading about you, who you are: a photographer in New Mexico. Brilliant!
Thanks, Brannon 🙂
I’ve trained myself to notice when someone says “You know what you should do?” which inevitably leads me to the shut down feeling. It’s a small thing, but I feel much better working with people who say things like “Have you considered?” or “Are you interested in hearing a different idea?”
andreaballard Awesome points, Andrea! Thanks for adding your thoughts. I’ve learned that with language, it’s the smallest things that usually make the biggest difference. Your suggestions are spot-on. Thank you!
Having a “script” handy is a good idea.
Excellent article.
My challenge is that the person who squashes me is the new office manager where I work — he’s my boss, and I don’t get to choose that relationship (short of leaving my job, but that would feel like running away, and I don’t want to do that). Your addendum about removing blame or judgment from the conversation resonates with me, because when I tried to “check in” about this issue with him in the past, I used a poor choice of words: “Every time I communicate about anything, you wind up telling me that I am communicating it poorly, but you don’t tell me what exactly I’m doing wrong. I’ve been a professional for years and have always been praised for my communication with others. You’re the only one who has ever said that I’m a poor communicator.” That just derailed everything and it went south from there. Lesson learned! I spoke up in exactly the wrong way, out of injured pride, and put him right on the defensive!
@Sheila What do you think you should have said instead?
I have found that with some people (unfortunately, many are managers), there is _nothing_ ou can say that will help. The actual poor communication is on their side and anything you say will case them to strike back.
I so totally get that 😉
Thanks, Juliet! 🙂 Glad you liked it.
Definitely something for both introverts and extroverts here. I had an extroverted friend once who became upset over a conversation she had with her dad. She happened to be alone with her boyfriend at the time and began venting to him.
She said he literally “shut down”, folded his arms, wouldn’t look at her. At the time I’m not sure if was upset that she was bringing this into the good time they were having or he didn’t want to deal with her personal problems or what. That might have been part of it, but I think he was just flooded with her emotions and didn’t know how to handle it.
He didn’t try any of the phrases in this–he just stopped talking period. Which upset her and left them both upset. So thanks for this perspective!
How do introverts make friends?
Amy, your question inspired a tweet: How do introverts make friends? Idea: by taking a private hobby public: writers group, book club, running group, photog class #IntrovertTip
That’s the first thing that came to mind… more to come, I’m sure. What’s worked for YOU to make friends?
I do not have any friends (expect for two who live in the next state).
I like this one. I have so-o-o-o-o been through this. Had a mini-experience like it just this week where someone made a remark that hurt me. I laughed it off in the moment but later realized I wished I had said something more deflective. I experienced the sensation of “being flooded.” I’m still processing through it but realize it is up to me how much power and energy I give it — I can choose to change the channel.
Making friends takes time, but those friends really last.
This looks fascinating. I’ve had a fair amount of counseling training and crisis intervention training, and a lot of that goes into my “scripts.” In teaching, we create a different repertoire of scripts for working with students, parents, and colleagues.
I have been here 7 years and made no friends at all.
Amy Photogirl, have you searched for a Meetup group on meetup.com? Looks like there a lot of active groups in Brisbane. I know that meetups and groups are a bit counter-introvert, but perhaps there’s one that fits really well with your interests, so there would be an energetic/personality match. I don’t want to give unsolicited advice, so please consider this an idea to take or leave as you see fit! 🙂
Thank you. I will try that.
Such a great post Beth. I can really relate to the part about one side of my brain saying this isn’t right, I don’t like how I’m feeling and the other part of my, as you call it, monkey mind insecure brain saying oh maybe she’s right, maybe I should be making cold calls and I’m a total idiot for not making that part of my business development strategy.
I do wonder if that’s due to being an introvert, or to not wanting to rock the boat.
Anyway, I usually know who will be a good partner by having that sense of this feels right. I feel safe, I feel understood and I like this person.Trust is so important.
I’m sorry you had this experience. I wonder how many clients this person and others like her get given her approach. I wouldn’t have hired her, but I probably would have stayed on the phone like you did feeling flooded the whole time and then being all upset after I hung up the phone. Ah, the lessons we learn.