One rainy afternoon a few years ago, I was driving into Seattle for a networking event when my husband called me on my cell. I answered (this was pre-hands-free law) and listened, noting the barely perceptible panic in his voice: something unexpected had come up, and he needed the car for an off-site meeting. Since I was in the car, traveling up I-5 at 65mph in the opposite direction from him, he clearly had a problem.
There was a time when I would have sighed, said, “I’ll be right there,” and gotten off at the next exit and turned around. He called me with a problem; I had to save the day, right? I would have felt mildly annoyed but, in a twisted way, virtuous for having come to his rescue and fixed his problem.
But that’s not how this story ends. I listened to his description of the situation and said, “Oh dear, I’m sorry to hear that. How else can you get to the meeting?”
We brainstormed for a moment, he said, “I’ll figure it out,” and we hung up. And I forgot about the conversation until I got home later that evening.
This might not be a big deal to some people, but it was a true turning point for me. It was one of the first times I’d intentionally taken a concept I use in coaching and put it into practice personally: view and hold others as whole, capable, and resourceful.
While the words are simple, the concept is a game-changer.
If I choose to hold someone else as whole, capable, and resourceful, I see her not as a person to rescue, but a person to respect. Not broken, but healthy. Not helpless, but self-reliant. Not clueless, but creative.
So when I listened to my husband and didn’t offer to swoop in and make it all better, I was actually respecting his capacity to solve his own problem. I was reminding him, in so many words, that he can take care of himself. I can offer support and a sympathetic ear, but I don’t have to abandon my own priority to take care of his. I trust that he can handle it (which increases his trust in himself).
That’s a fairly obvious and simple example. There’s not a lot of emotion surrounding the situation, nor are the consequences dire. But how does it apply to more complicated situations? And why is it important to introverts?
I use the concept of whole, capable, and resourceful every single day. It primarily comes up in my coaching work. Each session, I listen to clients share their business or personal challenges, some of which are fairly profound. I have to check any urge to solve their problems. My job isn’t to give them advice and tell them what they should do (they get enough of that from other people). My job is to support the client as seeing himself as whole, capable, and resourceful.
Most of the time, it’s easy. I’ve been practicing it for almost five years, so it’s not something I actively think about too much. But I remember in the beginning, I’d almost be haunted by my clients’ stories. I’d carry their thoughts with me and feel their pain. There was only a thin veil between their energy and mine.
So much of being a healthy, happy introvert is about managing our energy. To do that, we often find we need to establish boundaries: around our quiet time, our work spaces, our social interaction. And depending on our personality, we might find those boundaries frequently being violated because of our equal need to help (to be of service), to feel needed, to show love by being the shoulder to cry on or the sympathetic ear.
Being “The Fixer” is a comfortable role, especially for the introvert who almost feels relief when there’s a problem to focus on (which steers attention away from the social aspect of the interaction).
Therefore, this becomes the perfect opportunity to practice establishing a boundary of compassionate detachment, one that allows us to be present for someone without getting roped into the drama.
- Release the idea that you need to fix the person or solve the problem. Let go of “The Fixer” identity.
- Soften your presence (your heart, eyes, mouth, hands, shoulders). Rather than brace yourself to take action, relax and listen without judgment or analysis.
- Remind yourself that the other person is an intelligent, creative human being, capable of handling the situation.
- Give her the gift of your attention, space to think, and your belief she can figure it out.
- If you do give advice or feedback, or offer to help, do so without attachment. Let the other person decide what she needs.
I can hear some of you now: “Yeah, that would work with a person who has it together, but it wouldn’t work for my crisis-oriented, super-needy brother/best friend/mother-in-law.”
I’ll grant you this: there are some people who have certain life challenges that may make it seem difficult – if not impossible – for you to see them as whole, capable, and resourceful. Try anyway. Find ways to see past the surface issues and speak to their deeper self, the one that longs to be respected and cherished.
Because that’s the bottom line: when we treat others with dignity and respect, they often rise to the occasion, whether they believe in their own capacity or not. Your belief in them inspires belief in themselves. This allows you to be present and compassionate without giving away your power.
It takes time to build this muscle. Start by noticing when you jump into rescue mode, and practice solving the problem with, rather than for, the other person. Gradually release any feeling of responsibility for their solution, and instead focus on how you can create a space that empowers the other person to figure it out.
Carl Jung concluded, “As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.” You don’t have to stamp out the darkness; simply be the gentle light that shines on the brilliance of others, so they can discover it for themselves.
GREAT perspective!!! And I completely see and recognize your success. Congrats
Wow. These are thoughts that never occurred to me, and that I wish I knew about when dealing with those pills at the office, or when my husband’s exasperating Aspie brother was living with us. Definitely well worth thinking about and applying. Thanks, Introvert Entrepreneur!
This is all too familiar. It is much more difficult when dealing with someone who expects a fix, it has caused ill feelings in that case. I will need to practice this though. 🙂
FrankCharman I hear you – we can choose this path, but we might encounter resistance or different expectations from others.Â
I think perhaps we can see those situations as a chance to notice the dynamics and act from choice, rather than from default “fix it” mode. So if we CHOOSE to step in and solve the problem, it’s done from a place of awareness and love, not from our ego or a need for control.
When I worked in the employment system, my “compassionate detachment” was not understood or accepted. It is such a blessing to be an entrepreneur! Great article!
Well said. We’re still seeking that elusive balance with our disabled son, now a young adult. He is capable – but how capable is he?
this is something i’ve actually been practicing and I learned it from a old acquaintance who was really good at establishing boundaries (one thing I really admired about her!)..it’s been helping me a lot with feeling comfortable with speaking my needs and being honest with others! thanks for sharing.
Such a spot on perfect good article
I need to laminate this and put it on my bathroom mirror! Fabulous. So right. Until this moment it had never occurred to me that there was a connection between being an introvert and this rescue swoop. I just thought I was broken! LOL. Thanks Beth 🙂
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve been at-war-within over setting boundaries with people who assume I am at their beckon call 24-7…and they are not my family! Whole, capable, and resourceful…my new mantra. ^_^
Meh.
Thank you for sharing that, something I really need to practice – especially since helping people solve their problems (in IT) is part of my job.
3 little word are “leave me alone?” 🙂
Whole, capable, resourceful
@ Juli Harvey… 7th paragraph
I so totally needed this today! Putting it into practice immediately!
Love this post Beth! Especially #2, Softening presence and #4, Gift of attention, space and belief in. Thank you!
Good advice for parenting too.
Outstanding article! Reminds me of a book I read earlier this year called “I Quit”. The author talked about the importance of not “overfunctioning”–allowing people to do their part. My stress level (and health) is improving since I began applying that principle. I love the perspective this article gives. It’s a win for both parties. Thanks for sharing!
Christopher, I SO agree… I’m not a parent, but I imagine it would be an extraordinarily powerful way to model self-responsibility. Thank you for offering that perspective.
Tina, thank you for offering up that word, “overfunctioning” – that sums up so many different behaviors. Love it!
With our 2 children we encouraged independence and a sense of competence and now at ages 18 and 21 we can see how this has paid off.
I was with you until I had to see my husband as #3) Remind yourself that the other person is an intelligent, creative human being, capable of handling the situation. then i stopped reading lol.
LOL! I suspected that one *might* be a deal-breaker for some 😉
I loved the article. I cant wait to use it with my teachers for service day before the next academic year begins.
Um, that’s awesome!! I’m so pleased that you will be able to use the information that way 😀
PS: Sending thoughts of peace and healing to OK…
Your children are very fortunate! 😉
It’s a game changer, indeed.
What a wonderful post. I feel like, as a therapist, that my job is definitely to walk with them on the journey of understanding this about themselves.
What a beautiful article. I agree with you about how relieved I feel when I get to help or fix something so that I don’t have to deal with as much socializing and it is easy to to become an enabler. These three little words are easy to remember and can change our perspective of the world around us. This is a really big idea you have shared with us. Thank you!
I shared this with my ENFJ sister; her “type” also leans toward people pleasing and a strong need to “fix”.
vlbatcfcl Vicki, thank you for passing it along. As I mention in a previous comment, this issue definitely transcends type. I hope your sister finds value in the post!
Great article for us innies, but some of our “extro” friends and relatives could use it too. That feeling of needing to “fix” the problem and “be there” for other people crosses the I/E line.
I know an ENFJ who has been working on this aspect of her personality lately.
Thank you. This is especially pertinent to my current volunteer work. I intend to make it my practice as I work with the people and the families assigned to me
Great article. When someone comes to me with an issue, (and I am honored they do), I’ve learned that advice is worth exactly what it costs to give: nothing. I certainly don’t want advice if I haven’t asked for it because those sentences usually start with, “You should . . ., you have to . . .”. So I try to remember to ask with compassion, “What are you going to do now?”
Yes, Christopher!! GREAT parenting wisdom! Loved this reminder.
Or “say excuse me,” or “don’t be rude.”
This is just plain great advice for anyone, regardless of your personality type. I always try to empower people. If they straight up ask for advice or help – or they are paying me to coach them for instance – that’s a different story. But your relationships will improve dramatically if you take this approach (mine did).
And – I had to distance myself from people who wanted to “fix” me when I don’t need fixed.Â
Thanks so much for this, Beth!
Leanne Regalla Such a great point you make – we need to not only be aware of when we become the fixer, but to have the courage to stand up to someone who insists on fixing us! Thanks for commenting 🙂
BethBuelow Leanne Regalla No problem, Beth, and glad you agree. Anytime – I’m diggin’ your blog. 😉
This is an excellent post! Now matter what type you are, this mind set is like a magic wand that creates movement and growth for the one holding it as well as the one it’s pointed at. (Hope that made sense!) Â Well done Beth!
Colleen Stone Thanks, Colleen! It’s true, this topic transcends innie/outtie status. While I’m guessing there may be differences in motivation, the instinct to be the hero can be strong in any of us. And yes, your sentence made sense to me :-).
Thanks for sharing this Beth!  This is so very true – it reminded me of Friedman’s Bridge fable, but in a less dramatic cliff-hanger (bridge hanger?) way 🙂
@Allen Snook Allen, I’m so grateful that you made that connection! I’d not read The Bridge, but now that I have, I think I’m a new Friedman fan 🙂 You’re right, definite parallels. Love it. Thank you!
I think “Not my problem” makes the point, too. 😉
In case anyone’s interested in reading “The Bridge” by Edwin Friedman, here’s a link: http://www.thecruxmovie.com/pdf/TheBridgeShortStory.pdf (Thanks, @Allen Snook)
I never thought of this before. I get so sucked in to other peoples’ pain, it sometimes causes me to be dysfunctional myself. You’ve laid out a clear way of thinking and I look forward to trying to put it into practice.
🙂 That warms my heart!! Thanks, Jennifer!
I thought I read the whole thing, but I missed the “three words.” Anyway, good post, I know I need to do this.
@plq The three words = whole, capable and resourceful. 🙂 Hope that’s helpful! Thanks for reading and commenting.
I identified completely with this story. It must have been such an AHA moment when you realised that you hadn’t jumped in and been the fixer. I struggle with this myself, specially with my grown up children who are very keen on going back to the old roles of Mummy in charge, dropping everything and taking care of us. I’ve changed now and feel so much more balanced and happy.
I see “fix-it” behavior when coaching women who want a flexible work arrangement. One was holding back on asking for a job sharing arrangement because there is a shortage of MDs in her (medical) specialty near the university hospital where she works. I had to remind her that she is *not* the department head, so recruiting someone wasn’t her burden or responsibility to carry, and job sharing was a better solution than her quitting (one of her options).
Another high achiever wanted to work a 32-hour week to give her attention to a nascent side business. Not wanting to disappoint her manager who raved about her job performance, her solution to restructuring the work was to “pack it all in” in fewer hours!
Your article is a keen reminder of a better way to approach these types of situations.
I loved how you captured this transitional period for parents. Â I used a similar approach with my children as they moved into the world and began to encounter problems and dilemmas by asking: “What will you do about that?” It made a real difference in their command over their lives to assume they could handle things with some deeper reflection/thought. Hard as it is to be objective, it helps everyone grow.
This approach related very much to Todd Whitaker’s “Shifting the Monkey. A great book that is worth checking out. I relate it very much to “working smarter or harder.”
Everyone has responsibilities, obligations, and problems to deal with in the workplace and in life. Some people, however, have mastered the art of shifting those monkeys onto the backs of others. They claim they don t know how to solve a problem or do the task, they say they don’t have time, they complain, they perform poorly, they find any and every way to avoid the work – and yet somehow, they’re never held accountable. Instead, hardworking, loyal employees who care about results end up shouldering those burdens for their lazy or unmotivated colleagues. The slackers get just what they want – less work – while the best employees become alienated and overworked. Who is to blame for those misplaced monkeys? Shifting the Monkey shows how to shift an organization’s focus from compensating for, excusing, and working around problem people to cultivating and rewarding the best employees.