I had an interesting awareness yesterday that you might appreciate – I was offered a leadership opportunity in a professional association I’m part of. I was flattered, but also hemmed and hawed about it for a few weeks. Here’s why…
Two things kept coming up: my business and my energy. My plate feels pretty full. I have some ambitious goals. But when I thought about my colleagues in association leadership, I felt silly saying I was “too busy” to serve. Like I was a wimp! Like I was feeling scarce about my introvert energy and capacity to handle as much as my colleagues.
So while my brain knew that I needed to decline, my heart kept saying, “yes, but it’d be wonderful to be of service.”
But was it my heart? Yes, but an even bigger NO! It was my ego.
My self-important, keeping-up-with-the-Joneses ego.
My I-need-to-prove-that-I-can-play-in-the-sandbox-with-the-big-kids-and-be-as-crazy-busy-as-everyone-else ego.
It was my ego stepping in and ignoring what I knew about my energy, my need for down-time, and need to create space around my carefully chosen priorities so I could give them my best.
I finally realized that if I was going to say “yes,” it needed to be from a place of confidence, love and power. As it stood, I would have been saying “yes” out of fear that someone else would think I was a light-weight.
Needless to say, I respectfully declined. And that felt powerful!
So when you feel torn about saying “yes” or “no” to something, consider who’s in the driver’s seat: your heart, your head, your ego, your inner critic, your fear… one, some or all of the above, or something else entirely. Notice if you’re trying to compare your energy to someone else’s. Sit with it long enough to discern what’s true for you. Then make your decision based on that place of personal power that reflects you at your best and doesn’t give a hoot what others think.
We are just never that special…
We are just never that special…
Great advice!
Love this. Thank you.
Good stuff, Beth. So true!
Thoughtful words. Thanks.
Great post!
Excellent perspective! Thank you!!
Janet, Anita, Leanne, Jinan, Shannon, Rosenberg Psychological Practice – thanks for reading and commenting! So glad you found the post valuable đ
Janet, Anita, Leanne, Jinan, Shannon, Rosenberg Psychological Practice – thanks for reading and commenting! So glad you found the post valuable đ
Annette, I’ve really been thinking about your comment… there are nuances to it that demand reflection.
IF I’m interpreting your comment correctly, I think that it’s true, we often need to “get over ourselves.” AND I believe we are ALL “that special” – we are all amazing, special and unique. I think there’s power in saying “I’m special, and I don’t need to prove it or have someone else validate me.”
That’s what I would consider a healthy ego – one that is confident in one’s own specialness such that strutting isn’t necessary, and the heart can lead from truth and love. That’s my experience (and it’s always a work in progress, one step forward, two steps back!), and I know others have different experiences… my hope is that we are at least thinking about it đ
Annette, I’ve really been thinking about your comment… there are nuances to it that demand reflection.
IF I’m interpreting your comment correctly, I think that it’s true, we often need to “get over ourselves.” AND I believe we are ALL “that special” – we are all amazing, special and unique. I think there’s power in saying “I’m special, and I don’t need to prove it or have someone else validate me.”
That’s what I would consider a healthy ego – one that is confident in one’s own specialness such that strutting isn’t necessary, and the heart can lead from truth and love. That’s my experience (and it’s always a work in progress, one step forward, two steps back!), and I know others have different experiences… my hope is that we are at least thinking about it đ
I agree…we are all so unique and special…but not so that the room is looking and talking about us..a big lesson I had to learn..so yes, we are in sinc.
I agree…we are all so unique and special…but not so that the room is looking and talking about us..a big lesson I had to learn..so yes, we are in sinc.
Thank you Beth for the post, yes, I can absolutely relate to that. I bet you feel even more powerful for saying no!Â
I would try and keep up all the time by getting up early and working late so I could keep up with the ‘big boys’ myself, but more often that not, I would feel exhausted after 2 days and need 2 days off!
Just to throw a spanner in the works here… What if your energy levels were just beliefs about how much you can handle? đ hmmm something to ponder on… or not đ
Thanks for sharing and being a loud a proud introvert.
Steve x
Steve Light Hi Steve, thanks for commenting! Your question is oh-so-coachy :-). I did think about that, and am still thinking about it. I’ve always thought of myself as a “low energy” person, not in a judgmental way, but in an acknowledgment that, objectively speaking, I’m not high energy. I can turn on the energy when I choose to, but it’s not my natural state (which my husband would say is napping with a cat somewhere on me). So on some level, they ARE beliefs, and on another, they aren’t.Â
Here’s where I ultimately go with the question: when considering energy levels, there’s a difference between saying “no” out of self-awareness and choice, and saying “no” out of limiting beliefs. One is healthy self-care, the other is fear or scarcity (same thing, really).Â
And I would love to talk to you! I think your story and message is something that would resonate with my podcast listeners. Game to explore it? Let me know đ
BethBuelowSteve Light I enjoyed reading both Steve’s question and Beth’s answer. After many
years of being made to feel badly about how I operate in the world (nice
and intimate in small settings, a scared cat in the corner at parties),
I have really begun to dog past the easy answers to why people engage
the way they do. Thank you Beth for the beautiful and groundbreaking
work you are doing.
RobinNorgren BethBuelow Welcome home Robin! đÂ
I am so fascinated by the whole introvert/extrovert thing and one funny thing I have noticed is that I don’t mind meeting new people / going to parties etc.. half as much as I used to, since I’ve started liking myself and simply just being myself, I feel like the pressure is off. Do you know what I mean?Â
I still have times when I feel overwhelmed by it all can intuitively feel that I need to take a break, and like you said Robin, about feeling badly about being the way you are, so when I need a break, I take it, and don’t beat myself up.
RobinNorgren
Welcome home Robin! đÂ
I am so fascinated by the whole introvert/extrovert thing and one funny thing I have noticed is that I don’t mind meeting new people / going to parties etc.. half as much as I used to, since I’ve started liking myself and simply just being myself, I feel like the pressure is off. Do you know what I mean?Â
I still have times when I feel overwhelmed by it all. But now I can intuitively feel that I need to take a break, and like you said Robin, about feeling badly about being the way you are, so when I need a break, I take it, and don’t beat myself up.
Have a lovely Sunday guys.
RobinNorgren BethBuelow Steve Light Robin, thanks for your kind words đ It’s really a shift when we realize how we operate is okay, that there’s nothing wrong with us for being introverts. The awareness changes lives, as it sounds like it has for you! Glad you’re here đ
Steve, I think there’s definitely something powerful in the “liking myself and simply just being myself.” When we relax and say, “this is who I am” and feel good about it, it IS like the pressure is off. We’re less invested in what others think and getting external validation, and have more inner knowing that who we are is okay.
I’ve heard many times that people tend to lean more introverted as they grow older. I’ve been wondering if it’s because of exactly what you describe: since self-acceptance isn’t an intro/extrovert issue, but a human issue, that increasing self-acceptance leads to less social pressure. We still enjoy people, but perhaps the extrovert learns not to *need* them as much? And therefore becomes more selective about social interaction, which can look and feel more introverted? It’s an interesting question!
Hey  BethBuelow RobinNorgren Steve Light Would love to be interviewed by you for your podcast if the offer still stands? Hope you’re well!
BethBuelow Great answer, thank you!
I am delighted to have found this site! This post really resonated with me. I am a bi-vocational introvert who used to have a huge problem remembering that ” ‘no’ is a complete sentence!” I am a Certified Fundraising Professional and a professional life coach working on my ACC, then PCC. I’ve recently joined my local coaches’ association and there are so many opportunities for service! I believe in giving back, so I’ve decided to pick and choose based on what will serve as learning and networking experiences.
I am delighted to have found this site! This post really resonated with
me. I am a bi-vocational introvert who used to have a huge problem
remembering that ” ‘no’ is a complete sentence!” I am a Certified
Fundraising Executive (CFRE) and a professional life coach working on my
ACC.. I’ve recently joined my local coaches’ association and
there are so many opportunities for service! I believe in giving back,
so I’ve decided to pick and choose based on what will serve as learning
and networking experiences.
@Pam Brown Pam, I’m delighted you found the site, too! đ Thanks for reading and commenting. I used to be in fundraising (in many ways, as an entrepreneur, I still am!) – I think there’s a “coach approach” that is useful to being a successful development professional. Congrats on following the coaching path (it’s awesome, as you already know)! And congrats on being intentional about where you spend your energy – makes for more fulfilling service experience all the way ’round ;-).
Thanks. One of your perspectives: “So while my brain knew that I needed to decline, my heart kept saying, âyes, but itâd be wonderful to be of service. But was it my heart? Yes, but an even bigger NO! It was my ego.” — Maybe as introverts, we are more vulnerable to invitations to “play in a bigger sandbox” even when it might not work for us, or lead to even more overwhelm.
It’s easier being psychic! You know exactly who is making judgements etc and who out of those mean to act on them negatively e.g. to sabotage your professional plans, bully or start malicious gossip to ostracise you from a group. This enables us to be free from worry & focus our energies on taking preemptive action & then moving on to othe more important things that require our focus.
Besides, my psychic work doesn’t permit ego – ego prevents humility and the flow of energy that enables me to help people from a place not of the Drama Triangle (Karpman – http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle).
It’s easier being psychic! You know exactly who is making judgements etc and who out of those mean to act on them negatively e.g. to sabotage your professional plans, bully or start malicious gossip to ostracise you from a group. This enables us to be free from worry & focus our energies on taking preemptive action & then moving on to othe more important things that require our focus.
Besides, my psychic work doesn’t permit ego – ego prevents humility and the flow of energy that enables me to help people from a place not of the Drama Triangle (Karpman – http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle).
It’s easier being psychic! You know exactly who is making judgements etc and who out of those mean to act on them negatively e.g. to sabotage your professional plans, bully or start malicious gossip to ostracise you from a group. This enables us to be free from worry & focus our energies on taking preemptive action & then moving on to other important things that require our focus.
Besides, my psychic work doesn’t permit ego – ego prevents humility and the flow of energy that enables me to help people from a place not of the Drama Triangle (Karpman – http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle).
Great post Beth! Â Thank you for mentioning how important it is to check with ourselves to see how things feel. Â So important!
I was recently “encouraged” to give more in-person speaking presentations by another fellow coach. Â He claimed I wasn’t doing enough of them and like you I started to compare… and then feel bad… and compare again. Â After stepping away from that, I could see that I was feel pressured and that’s never a reason to do anything.
Good for you for sticking to what feels right for you!