There’s a fabulous 2003 episode of “Sex and the City” that tells the sad tale of a poorly implemented break-up. Carrie, our lead protagonist, awakes after an evening with her boyfriend to find herself alone with a post-it note that says, “I’m sorry, I can’t, don’t hate me.” She takes the note to breakfast with her gal pals, seething with anger and disgust.
At some point, she decides that the day simply cannot go down in history as “the day she got broke up with a post-it.” So she and her friends embark on a few adventures (in true NYC, Sex and the City fashion) and finish the day laughing hysterically. In the end, Carrie got her wish: rather than the day being defined by the pathetic post-it break-up, it was transformed into the day she “got arrested for smokin’ a doobie.”
Yesterday had the potential to be my “post-it day.” It’s not because someone broke up with me; rather, I received my first official “great proposal, but no thanks” e-mail from a literary agent.
The process of becoming a published author – heck, of putting anything original, creative or personal out into the world – is daunting. So is being an entrepreneur. Everyday, we’re sticking our necks out and hoping someone doesn’t chop our heads off. We frequently vacillate between feeling excitement and feeling fear (two sides of the same coin, really). We can be excited to put our offerings out there, anticipating the perfect client who is going to be jazzed to find us and say “yes!”. We can also experience fear: fear of being judged, rejected, critiqued, ignored.
It feels so incredibly vulnerable to be sending my book idea to potential agents. It’s a baring of the soul to strangers who may or may not be safe (we hope they respond kindly, but we also know that some may feel compelled to dish out the harsh truth). The road is long and full of speed bumps, along with an annoying number of “stop,” “yield” and “detour” signs.
If we’re going to make it through the “nos” to the inevitable “yes!”, we have to be ready to release attachment to things being just.so. And as corny as it may sound, we need to know how to graciously receive the lemons and make yummy lemonade.
That’s why I love Carrie’s story about the post-it. After I had a mini-tantrum in response to the agent’s kind-but-disappointing “thanks but no thanks,” I took a big breath and realized: I didn’t want this to be the day that I remembered for receiving my first rejection (“I’m sorry, I can’t, don’t hate me.”). I needed it to be remembered for something else, something more positive and promising.
Despite a splitting headache and almost zero motivation, I laced up my running shoes and headed to the gym. It was time for Day 1, Week 1 of the Couch-to-5K program (C25K for short). I’d downloaded the app a few days before and was actually excited to start. The program has numerous advantages that this INFJ loves: structure, solitude and self-pacing. I put on my headphones and released myself into the care of “Allison,” who signaled to me when to walk and when to run.
The result? I found my own personal “reset” button, and it became “the day I successfully started the C25K program.” I was also able to reframe the agent experience into “the day I came one ‘no’ closer to a ‘yes.'”
Whether you’re an entrepreneur, artist, writer, leader or underwater basketweaver, you’re going to have days that suck. You can love what you do, and you’ll still hear “no,” experience disappointment and even get royally pissed off. That’s all a given.
Here’s what I think introverts need to especially consider: We internalize. We process our thoughts beneath the surface, which means that those sucky days can have more power over us. We have the potential to literally stew in our own juices for a long time.
It doesn’t have to be that way. I’m all for acknowledging the pain. Let yourself feel it! Wallow for a few minutes, even a few hours! And realize you don’t have to give away your power to the worst thing that happened to you that day.
You can take it back.
You can redefine your experience.
You have the power to flip the coin from fear to excitement.
And that’s a coin toss you can win, every time.
Have you had a “post-it day” (or week, or month 😉 )? How did you turn it around? What helps you move through the muck? Please share in the comments, and if you like this post, share it with your friends!
Yes Beth I had such a day recently. Then I suddenly noticed the following motivational quote in the news feed on facebook – "Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant."-Robert Louis Stevenson. That helped.
Suraiya, I love it! It's so wonderful when just the right words come into our consciousness, right at the moment we need them. And Facebook is so good for that… it also reminds us that we're all on the journey together.
In my case, the words that fell into my lap yesterday afternoon came from TUT: If one hangs out in time and space long enough, Beth, they'll inevitably learn it's through the twin gateways of persistence and patience that masters become masters.
Of all things,
The Universe
Suraiya, I hope your day turned around and that the seeds you planted brought you peace.
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Great post, Beth. So glad you found a way to frame the day differently.
Several years ago, when working on a museum exhibit about aviation, I learned about how often the Wright brothers failed before their first successful flight. Failure is a part of the creation process; if you can accept that, and know it's coming, it's a little (very little!) easier to deal with.
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Susan, you're so right! Your story reminded me to look up on my wall at a quote I've had posted for a while but have stopped seeing: "Of the 200 light bulbs that didn't work, every failure told me something that I was able to incorporate into the next attempt." Thomas Edison.
Thank goodness Mr. Edison didn't give up – we might very well be sitting in the dark!
And if we don't fail, or hear "no" (I don't think they're the same thing), we're not taking risks. As my friend Leif Hansen says, "accelerate your rate of failure." Time to put the pedal to the metal! 😉
My recent post What to Do When You Have a Yucky, Mucky, Sucky Day
I'm glad to hear that the no didn't keep you down, Beth. Everyone says that the path to publishing starts with a lot of nos. So, congratulations for taking the first step on that path! (I'm happy that you knew that already.)
I like your advice to feel the disappointment (or whatever) and then do something else. In the past, the things that I've done after a set back have been tainted by the ignored emotion. So, it's better to feel what you're feeling, and then move to something more enjoyable.
Good luck finding an agent. I'm sure you'll get your book published!
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Trelawney, thanks for your encouragement! It felt risky to even share what happened, but then I decided that if I'm going to be on a path that requires a thick skin, patience and persistence, I'd like to have supportive people around me so I don't feel like I'm in it alone. That kind of risk tends to pay off!!
It's taken me a while to realize the value of sitting with the shadow feelings. Our tendency is to want to shove them aside and "turn that frown upside-down." Like you say, that can lead to the shadow following us and tainting our attempts at optimism. If we don't acknowledge our grief, it WILL come back to bite us eventually!
Beth! Can I just say: "Yay you!" for submitting a proposal!
It *does* take courage to put ourselves out there like that. Love how you re-made your day (without getting busted for smoking a doobie – although that would make a great story!)
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Aw, thanks, Patty! You've been an inspiration to me with regard to courageously putting ourselves out there, so thanks for that :-). And yes, getting busted would have made for a great story, but alas, tis not in my nature. Sometimes, I think it should be, LOL!
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Beth – such an insightful post! Thanks for sharing. I know all about those mucky sucky days so thank you for the much needed inspiration Chica!! ~Norma
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Norma, you're welcome! Your resilience is amazing. I hope that life keeps getting better and better for you 🙂
Awesome, awesome post! Many of days I have had the post it given to me and I had let it ruin my day. I am a corporate videographer for a large dot com retailer and I work on the training side of the things, but I want to move to branding. I had a meeting with the branding videographer and I said after "I want to be down with you guys", "never gonna happen." Oh and here is your post it. It deflated me quickly, I was no farther or closer to my goal but felt like I was down graded.
I stewed and stewed over it at my computer when editing and then said, f*** it, I am still a good videographer and I have two choices here where I am; do the minimum and call it good being upset or do video in training how I want to and either succeed or get in big trouble. At least with the latter scenario I was the one deciding. Turned my day around.
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For me frustration is really a big challenge. If I got refused I tend to get back and do better because I know that I will have another chance in everything I do even if I failed the first time. I always believe that try and try until you succeed. This is actually a very inspiring post. Thanks for sharing this.
Inspirational post, Beth. I left a long comment but when I went to post it, it got eaten. I don’t think I could reconstruct. it. But nice job. : )
Ack! Sorry that happened, Judy. I went into intensedebate to see if it was hanging out there, but alas, it was not. I appreciate your comment here, however!! Thanks for reading 🙂
We have to talk soon. I’m going through the same book proposal process right now. Maybe the gods were saying, “Just call Beth already!”
Let me know, Judy. Chatting sometime in the next few weeks would be great! 🙂
When those days come….I work out extra hard!!! Puts things into perspective.
Dan, that’s how I felt as I ran around the track that evening… we can do anything if we have patience, persistence and perspective!! And one way or another, we’re going to sweat 😉
You got it!!