Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I was a very competitive person.
My early identity, before The Introvert Entrepreneur, before being a nonprofit executive, was being a musician. Life was full of contests, auditions and ratings. My first taste of being a successful competitor came in 6th grade, when I joined band 4 weeks late, yet won first chair clarinet within a week through a series of challenges. Boy, did I feel like I was IT!
Throughout junior high, high school and college, I was always competing in some way: concert band, marching band, choir, math competition. You couldn’t tell, but my outward “I’m going to win” confidence was belied by my internal low self-esteem.
That meant every competition and audition felt like life or death, euphoric success or catastrophic failure.
I’d forgotten what that tasted like until this week.
A friend sent me a link to a speaking audition that was connected with a conference being held later this month. On something of a whim, I decided to enter. It was free, only took about an hour of my time, and what did I have to lose?
I made my video and uploaded it. The video wasn’t perfect, but I felt it was solid and a respectable entry. As others started to upload their auditions onto YouTube, I took time to watch.
And Competitive Beth came out, with a vengeance.
What started out as a whim became a full-blown burning desire to WIN! Some of the other auditions I watched were good, most were so-so, a few were great. Based on what I saw, I felt I had a chance. A good chance.
The judges were set to announce the top 10 semi-finalists on Monday evening. Driving to church on Sunday morning, I felt this weird sensation in my gut. I thought, “What is that? I can’t even describe it!”
And then it hit me: I was NERVOUS! It had been so long since I’d been outright nervous that I didn’t recognize the sensation at first.
Now, that’s not to say I haven’t felt tinges of nerves or anxiety over the past few years. It’s just been a while since I’ve experienced the ever-present knot-in-my-stomach feeling.
And so, when I wasn’t selected for the Top 10, I crashed. I cried and had a little hissy fit. My disappointment was deep. I started second-guessing myself and felt like someone had run over my dream with a Mack truck.
I also wondered, “Who is this, crying over a superficial loss?” In reality, it was not a big deal. It wasn’t even a small deal. It was a learn-and-move-on deal.
But it all reminded me of that competitive streak that runs through me. It runs a little softer than it did when I was younger, and it certainly has more perspective and less attachment. By the time I woke up Tuesday morning, I was back to my normal optimistic self.
Saying “normal,” though, isn’t really accurate. I was a transformed optimistic self. My confidence had taken a ding, yet I emerged stronger. Determined. Grateful.
My chance to be in the spotlight comes this Tuesday night at Ignite Seattle 12. I’m one of the featured speakers, and I’m pretty darn excited about it. Reflecting on my experience of this past week, I realize that feeling that nervousness was good for me. It was like a dress rehearsal for how I’ll probably feel all day Tuesday.
Without my “failed” audition, I wouldn’t have been as prepared for the spectacular opportunity that comes next week.
So now, when that knot in my stomach takes up residency, I’ll recognize it. I’ll make friends with it. I’ll put on my performer hat and channel the nervousness into excitement and curiosity.
I also think I need to inject a little more nervousness into my life. When we feel nervous, it means we care. That we’re stretching or taking a risk. We’re opening our hearts a little wider. And in that opening, magic can come in.
I hope leaving comments doesn’t make you nervous! Please share: What makes you nervous? How do you manage the feeling? What risk has brought you the most reward?
Beth,
I can so relate to this. We don't want to admit that, yes, we want to win. We want to win BADLY. I have learned that I just need to be honest with myself and admit that.
Competitive Beth is not always a bad thing. It inspires you to push yourself, to do things you didn't think you could do. I love your modeling for us that kind of tenacity.
I feel the same way about my nomination for a Top 10 Blogs for Writers award. I know from experience that any competition I enter proves to be a growing and learning experience. But dammit, I also want to win!
And anytime I play a "game" this other Judy comes out. In grad school, in an interactive psychology class,we had gone on retreats, worked in groups and gotten to know each other really well. But on the last day, we were divided into two teams. I don't recall much about the game, but I remember my classmates were blown away by my performance. I became aggressive. I took over leadership of my team. And we won the game. Afterward, one of my teammates said, "Wow. Who was THAT?" as if I wasn't the Judy they knew. LOL
What I have seen recently with you, Beth, is that you are stepping up to the plate in almost a fearless way (seems that way to me, anyway). The first time I met you, in the marketing with enewsletters class Bob and I taught, you were very articulate, intelligent (to the max!) but quiet. Now, as you take on some of these challenges and risks, I'm seeing the growth in you. You are my hero.
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Aw shucks! Judy, thank you for your extremely kind words and support! I love your story about the retreat game… somehow, I can totally see you like that, LOL! To succeed, you pulled on an inner winner that others hadn't seen before (but she was there, always below the surface, working for you). It sounds like when you pull out all the stops, watch out! 🙂 So it's great that you've got that much energy around the Top 10 Blogs for Writers – no matter what, you're the winner to me! (And forgive me if you've already told us this, but is there a place to go and vote for you?)
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Thanks, Patty! I love what you say about winning or losing not being a reflection on us – when we lose, we tell ourselves, "don't take it personally," but we do the opposite when we win. Perhaps a more balanced perspective is that a win or loss is about that slice of moment in time, with that situation, and not a judgment on the whole of our ability or character (which happens oh too easily!).
This past week was a growth spurt for me 🙂 – thanks for sharing your experience, Patty, and keeping it real!
BTW, you SHOULD win every Toastmasters contest you enter! Hello!! 😉
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Beth,
Really enjoyed this post and how honest you are about how you felt. Coming from a musical childhood myself, I had to compete in the percussion session (I played concert marimba – and loved being on stage for my solos.. ) Also I had a very competitive technology sales career – so I can feel a bit of the pain.
I agree that feeling nervous is a good thing from time to time. I feel that when i am about to go on stage to raise money as fundraising auctioneer – and when I commit to a small biz client about my share of their outcomes – without a little step away from the comfort zone, we don't move much forward.
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I just had an experience this weekend that reminded me of what makes me nervous! I was invited to attend an event where I didn't know anyone. I only knew the person who invited me from online communications, and he didn't make arrangements to meet me some place before the event so that we might sit together.
I walk in and people are talking and mingling, and I find a place at the back to put my things and get ready to sit down.
I was relieved when the person who'd invited me found me and started talking to me, but my nervousness returned when one of the greeters came up to me to say that the back seats were for latecomers and would I move up to the front.
I'm thought of as very outgoing — and I am — so it's always strange to have the feeling of nervousness whenever I have to enter a room where I don't know anyone and don't know what's expected of me.
In this case, there were seats up front, but since the program hadn't started, people were standing up — which made it difficult to know what seats were available and which were not. In other words, heeding the greeter's advice required me to interrupt people's conversations to ask whether/if I could sit there…..which (all political correctness aside) makes me feel like a royal retard.
What does that have to do with your post?
I dunno…..except that it's amazing when we see ourselves outside ourselves what we discover that continues to give us grief……and it's always a surprise when it resurfaces.
For example, so what? that you weren't selected among the Top 10? So, what? that I had to ask people if the seat was available or was it being saved?
And, yet the meaning I attached to it got my panties in a bundle.
(Incidentally, I don't REALLY wear panties. It's just an expression.)
I love that you have decided to embrace the feeling of nervousness whenever it arrives, 'make friends with it . . . put on (your) performer hat and channel the nervousness into excitement and curiosity.
After all, the energy we label nervousness is the same energy (physiologically) as excitement. I choose excitement!
Thanks, Beth!
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Hi Beth,
Thanks for the wonderful post. As an entrepreneur many days feels like a competition, but mostly against myself and where I was yesterday. You're story brought out some other memories I'd forgotten.
When I worked in the corporate world, I "said" I wasn't competitive, but put out an objective and I wanted to stomp all over it! No matter if it was in operations or HR (yes I did both), but I always was keeping an eye on what the others were doing and trying to up my game.
I agree that competition does help us stretch ourselves, but what I learned from that experience was competition was exhausting!
Thanks again for the reminder.
Jen
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Beth, we are seriously twins. As I read this, I had an overwhelming urge to fly over there. Perhaps I will manifest that. (I have a place to stay so don’t get worried.)
But anyway, thanks for the laugh at my competitive streak. It’s connected to something very important in us.
Hi Beth,
I stopped by to read this EXCELLENT post and offered a comment, but I think I may not have pushed "Submit" or something because it's gone! Unfortunately, I have no idea what I said.
But, I do want to say that what I absolutely love about you, as exemplified in this post, is your total transparency and willingness to let us see who you are, your thought processes, and your emotions…..and what you learned.
Being "real" and vulnerable not only gives me permission to do the same, but it makes me feel all the more closer to you! That's the know-like-trust factor in action!
Thanks, Beth.
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Beth – thank you for sharing your inner process with feeling both competitive and nervous. It is easy to say: self-employment is a personal growth opportunity, but you have shed light on just what the opportunity can be. We get to choose our attitude about everything we do, win or lose, calm or nervous.
I continue to learn that lesson and many others. It is harder for me to find ways to write about it that seem to fit my audience. Thank you for giving me a heartfelt example to learn from!
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Beth, Thank you for your 'gut sharing' as I like to think of it when we share something that is brutally honest about ourselves that may look like a risk to share, but you know so many other people learn from as they relate to your 'truth'. I have been getting that lesson lately as I delve into public speaking and realize sharing my stories, speaking from my heart, and being vulnerable with my 'secrets' gets the crowd's attention as they relate to me.