This is not the post I originally intended to write today.
I had planned to talk about progress and strength and patience. Since I’m feeling none of those things today, it would be disingenuous to claim to be grounded in them.
Instead, I experienced a meltdown. Not a breakdown, which I see as falling apart but in distinguishable pieces that can be put back together again. No, this meltdown included becoming completely unglued and spilling out in a blurry, confused mess.
(That’s never happened to you, has it? No, I didn’t think so... 😉 )
Most of the day, I felt beat up by something or someone. A few times, that someone was yours truly! It seemed as though I was getting one message after another that I’d done something wrong, that the hole was deep and my ladder was short. And as I indulged in my meltdown off and on during the day and evening, I heard a tug-of-war inside of me…
“I don’t know, what am I going to do, how will this work, when will I feel better” vs “Beth, snap out of it! You’re a coach! You should be thinking positive. Release assumptions. Trust” vs “Would you just let me have my meltdown PLEASE?!?!”
Rather than continue the inner dialogue that was making me crazy and getting me nowhere, I decided to breathe and tap into the wisdom that I share with and learn from my clients.
1) Reach Out. I called a friend and asked her to tell me I’m wonderful, and that everything is OK and will be OK. She graciously obliged. And others came forward for me in loving ways that reminded me that I’m not alone.
2) Everything in Moderation. It’s normal to have bad days, to have attacks of self-doubt or to throw yourself a Pity Party when things don’t go your way. The key is to know it’s happening and see it for what it is: a temporary tantrum that serves to get out the negative energy. Just like a rich dessert, a little goes a long way. Today, I recognized I was indulging and intentionally decided when I’d had my fill.
3) Reclaim Power. In my meltdown mode, I was expending a lot of energy looking at what was to blame for my sorry state. The result? I was giving my power away to people and situations that didn’t deserve it. In the words of one of my very wise clients: “I create my situation; it’s not happening to me. And if that’s true, then I have a choice.” Indeed. I chose to reclaim my power and energy in order to focus on what will move me forward and not get stuck in the blame game.
So rather than beat myself up for beating myself up, I’m practicing self-forgiveness. I am releasing the events and feelings of the day, trusting that their lessons will become clear to me (that process has begun!). I’ll look compassionately on the meltdown and see what beauty comes from the blurry, wonderful mess. I’ll trust the knowledge that for all of us, our role as the creator of our moments means that we are always at choice.
PS: Fries = Comfort Food. So, yes please, I’ll take large fries to go with my meltdown. Thanks!